Anxiety has tried to take control of my life again. I have tried really hard to hold back from losing it, from saying something I totally regret. When I am angry or mad, it’s not usually because I am actually angry or mad. It’s usually because that is how my anxiety comes across.
I yell, I scream, I nag. I become this person I absolutely hate. I complain, because I have no idea what else to do.
Some days I know what causes the anxiety. Some days I am made to feel like I am not good enough, so it’s my greatest fear coming true. Some days I have more work than hours in the day and I feel like I let people down if I cannot complete it. Some days my two wonderful toddlers are in fact real humans and do things that drive me bonkers. But there are days that I have no idea what is wrong. I worry, feel sick, and have so much rage built up inside. I wish I could just remove myself from the environment that is causing it. But when I have no idea, it makes it that much more difficult to deal with.
Sometimes, I wake up, and I don’t feel anxious. Which then gives me anxiety, because I don’t know how to feel. I have forgotten what it is like to not have this cloud over my brain every day. Everyone worries about things, usually they are small and warranted. Like forgetting to turn off the oven before bed. My brain; ha! If only that were the case. I have fears that are so unlikely to happen, but I worry so much about it that I get physically sick.
There have been nights that I have checked myself into the ER because I can’t handle my own thoughts. But I always make sure to be back before dawn, so that you don’t worry about me.
Not all the things I worry about though, are stupid. I worry about my family. My kids. I worry that I am not the best mom I can be for them. I worry that they will end up just like me and have a mess to deal with daily. But I also worry about you. I know you tell me not too, but I don’t think you really see what is going on. That’s a story for another time. You probably won’t even read this, but in the off-chance you do, just know it’s okay to not be okay. And you have all the support in the world.
I struggle every day to not ask everyone I have a relationship with if “we are okay”. My brain honestly doesn’t get that someone could want to be with me, be friends with me, work with me. I waste so much energy trying to not ask this, that I give myself anxiety stressing over my anxiety.
I know they say that when you feel an attack coming on you should find things that are positive or make you happy. And sometimes that works. Other times not so much.
I find writing helps though. Even if it doesn’t make any sense. By writing out how I feel or what is going on, I hope that someone else out there struggling comes across this. I don’t ever want someone to feel as alone as I have felt. I have read some incredible blogs from people who have gone through hell and back. And it has helped me to realize that just because you can’t see the pain I am in, it doesn’t make it any less real.
I have learned over the years, that sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know. I started therapy a few months ago. I am scared as hell about all the things that are coming from it. But I do feel somewhat better. I know therapy isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay. In time we all figure out the help we need. I want everyone to know though, that I will always be an ear to listen if you need to talk. Or if writing helps you, leave a giant comment. Let it out.